you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
