Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
