I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
