saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize