3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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