Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
