there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
