I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
