im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
