Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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