I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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