went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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