why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize