i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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