I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
