the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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