I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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