I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
