New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
