she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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