I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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