It's Friday. Sex?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
