She went from zero to smokin in five shots
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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