If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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