why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
