I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
