I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize