I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
