just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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