I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
