I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
