I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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