around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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