I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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