So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
