Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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