I wish I could punch you in the face.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
