I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
