I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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