Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
