FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
