Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize