Already got asked if we're dating
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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