i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
