Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
