I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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