During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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