Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
