Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
the liver wants what the liver wants
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
