Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
