it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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