Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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