my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Success! We fucked roommates!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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