i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
