she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
