you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
