When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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