Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize