I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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